Let Love Reign
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My Husband Asked For "Space." What Does This Mean? Does He Not Love Me Anymore? Is He Going To Leave Or Divorce Me?
Yesterday, I received an email from a wife who was in a bit of a panic. Her husband had told her that he needed "some space," and some "time apart to think." Although she did admit that the marriage had been on shaky ground recently, she did not expect this. She wanted to know if this time apart business meant that her husband didn't love her and if she could imply that he would be thinking about splitting up or divorcing if she gave him the space. I'll share with you how I addressed these concerns in the following article.
Why Husbands Need Or Want Space And / Or Time Apart: Every one's situation is going to be different of course, but I do sometimes hear from husbands who have initiated this situation. Many will tell me that they just need some time to themselves to clear their heads. Sometimes, they are experiencing severe stress at their job or in other areas of their life (money is a common issue here.) Some will even tell me that they don't want to bring their wives down with them so they want to be alone to process what's going on and then return in a better frame of mind.
Sometimes, there truly are grave problems in the marriage and they are trying to test the solo waters so to speak to see what the experience will be like. Other times, they are hoping that getting some distance from the issue will allow them to miss you and to realize that whatever problems between you can be worked out.
But, there are always the husbands that are sort of trying to ease you into talks of divorce. They figure that if they start spending time on their own, it won't be as shocking or as painful when they start talking about more time apart – namely, a divorce. Of course, I don't know your husband. Only you know the circumstances that surround your situation. But, take a little time to try to evaluate the situation like an outsider and see if any of these scenarios ring a possible bell.
How To Respond To Your Husband's Request For Space. Time And Distance: Many wives will out and out refuse to let the husband go or will create a huge fight surrounding this issue. The only thing that this does is to make your husband experience more negative emotions that he can ponder while he is gone. Of course you don't want him to leave. I completely understand that. But, telling him that he simply can't go is only going to make you appear more negative and is only going to paint you as a deterrent to him getting what he wants.
A better tactic is to diffuse the situation and then offer up an alternative. For example, you can concede that you agree that things are a bit tense, stressful, etc. You can agree that a break from all of that is an alluring idea. You can even stress that you too would like some time alone. But, then instead, you offer to give him the space he needs without his needing to leave your home. You can offer to go out with and spend a lot of time with friends so he can have some quiet reflection. You could also offer to stay with family or friends for a few days. (I know this doesn't sound all that great but it's better than allowing him to leave, because you know that YOU will come back. Can you say the same for him?)
Sometimes, the husband won't go for these alternatives. He'll actually want to leave. In this case, in my experience, you really don't have a choice. If you refuse to let him go, an already tense situation is going to escalate and he'll see you as unaccommodating. Even if you are successful in getting him to stay "this time," the next time, it's going to harder to reign this in. In some cases, you will just have to let him go (at least for now, for the short term only.) However, try to arrange an agreed upon time for him to come home or at least for the two of you to meet up and discuss where things stand. He owes it to you to report back as to how his "time alone" experiment worked out.
Make it clear that you're not letting him go because you don't care or because you want to misbehave while you're alone. There should be no doubt that you want to save your marriage. However, it's also OK to let him know that you're doing this because you want to help him to get what he needs as you are his loving wife who wants him to be happy. This is the best way that you could possibly paint yourself right now, but you must be careful not to be overly accommodating.
You don't want to appear that you don't have a high degree of self respect. Men do not find women who yes them to death or who allow poor treatment to be attractive. And, right now, you must focus on appearing attractive to your husband. Because at the end of the day, you want for him to miss you during his time away and to realize that he's made a grave mistake that he never wants to repeat.
Unfortunately, I refused my husband's initial request for "space." This was a mistake because his next request was for a divorce. It took me a long time to undo this damage, but I was eventually able to. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
About the Author
Leslie Cane's blog is at http://isavedmymarriage.com. She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others.