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My Husband Says Our Marriage Is Over. What Can I Do When I Can't Let Go?

I recently heard from a very distraught wife whose husband had recently told her that he was not in love with her anymore and that their marriage was "over."  Basically he said something like:  "I don't want to hurt you, but it's over between us.  It's been over for a long time and we tried our best, but our marriage is ending and there's nothing that either of us can do about that.  I'd like to part as friends, but we definitely have to part because there's nothing between us anymore."

This was the conversation that the wife had been dreading the most.  She knew that things hadn't been right in her marriage for quite some time.  But, she had no idea that her husband was going to tell her that it was completely over.  She said, in part: "well, I guess he's telling me that it's over for him, but it isn't over for me.  I still love him.  I feel like if he would just give our marriage a chance, we could join together and make this work, but he was so matter of fact that I don't think there's much that I can do to change his mind.  What am I going to do now?"

Unfortunately, many women in this situation chose between two options.  They either allow their devastation to cause them to think that things are hopeless and that they should just give up, knowing that their life will never be the same again. Or, they go on a huge campaign to get him back or change his mind.  The only problem is that they often stoop to the negative or the overly dramatic to accomplish this which may well do more harm than good.

In my experience and opinion, neither of these two very common and understandable options are the best choice.  I think there's a better way and I'll explain it in the following article.

Deciding How To Proceed When Your Husband Says It's Over For Him When You Know It's Not Over For You:  The problem here (as you may well already know) is that you can't control how another person feels.  You don't have access to his brain or his heart, so you can't "make" him change his mind.  But, what you can do is to attempt to change his perceptions and opinions.

This is tricky though.  That's why it's so important that you proceed and react very carefully right now.  Because you aren't likely to change his perceptions of you and the relationship from negative to positive by acting desperate, stressing that you can't live without him, and arguing that he's mistaken in his opinion that it's over.

You can't afford to appear out of control, desperate, weak, or unattractive right now.  Instead, you'll need to pull yourself together, maintain your self respect, and portray yourself as someone who is coping and in control.  Sure, he very likely knows that you're extremely upset and don't want to let the marriage go.  But he's also likely expecting (and bracing himself) for you to fall apart and desperately try to pull out all of the stops to change his mind. Hopefully, you aren't going to do this but you should know that if you did, he likely would not perceive it as particularly attractive or desirable. 

The Questions You Should Ask Yourself When You Want To Convince Him The Marriage Is Not Over: It's important to ask yourself a few questions right now.  You need to know what issue or perception is most standing in your way.  In other words, what is it that's making your husband think it's over?  Because this is the perception that you need to begin to change.

However, when I say that you need to change it, I don't mean that you should do so by harping or dwelling upon it.  You don't want to stress or draw too much attention to your problems.  You want to silently chip away at them on your own with your own actions and behaviors so that he begins to wonder if maybe he was wrong or acted too hastily.

The other thing that you need to ask yourself is what attributes or things drew your husband to you when your relationship began.  You must draw on these things right now because clearly, once upon a time, they were very powerful forces.

Making This Strategy Seem Natural And Not Forced: I know that I'm throwing a lot at you and that there's a lot to consider.  Despite this though, any actions that you take should look and feel natural and genuine.  If he thinks you're acting or just trying to manipulate him, then you suddenly have even more to overcome.

You want to move slowly and you want to set it up so that you can be your genuine self in the most flattering of settings.  Yes, you may have to have patience combined with strategy for this to appear to naturally occur.  What you're trying to do is to give your husband natural and non forced glimpses of a woman who he thought no longer existed.

You want to surprise and disarm him.  You want to make him question what he thought he knew.  You want him to wonder if perhaps his perceptions were wrong and his actions were a bit too quick. This may well not happen overnight and it often doesn't.  But, between the time he tells you that it's over and the time a divorce is final is often several weeks or months rather than mere days.  Don't rush and don't allow your feeling pressured to make you act or appear desperate, doubtful or clingy.

Perception is reality right now.  If it's not over for you, there's nothing that says you can't try pulling yourself together and focus on the positive.  This just might work to bring him back and get you another chance, and if it doesn't, it's certainly better than giving up and giving into despair.  In my opinion and experience, it's certainly worth a shot.

When my husband told me it was over, his mind was made up. Although I knew it wasn't over for me, I almost let him walk out the door for good and it almost cost me my marriage. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but save our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

About the Author

Leslie Cane's blog is at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others.